abundant learning.

It’s 2012! This is a year that I feel is going to be full of promise and wonder for me. I have a great expectation that I am going to hear from the Lord in mighty ways and that I am going to understand his love for me in a deeper way. I am full of gratitude for his provision to my heart!

It’s now been twelve weeks – almost three months- that I’ve been here in South Asia. So many things have happened in my personal life.  It really is hard to fully explain – but I’m going to try.

• I am so grateful for my closest friends. They are SO entirely dear to my heart. I love them for who they are – their light, their guidance, their care for ME! I love how free we are to be funny or joyful or excited – and how, equally, we are free to be sad or angry or overwhelmed. There are no walls between us, no fear of not being appreciated, and no expectations to be perfect. There are COUNTLESS times in these last twelve weeks here that I have LEANED on my friends – they have been there for me with their never-ending grace, guidance, “salty” advice, and love. I know you all know the verses to 1 Corinthians 13 – “love is patient, love is kind…” – and that kind of love is what I receive from my friends. They are life-giving!
• I have had times these past few months where there was nothing to describe how I was feeling except “overwhelmed.” I was overwhelmed about all sorts of things and all at different levels – sometimes I felt lonely, sad, fearful, confused, or doubtful. Sometimes all of these feelings would happen at once. So many things had changed in my life once moving to South Asia – new community, house, roommates, food, job, & culture. Almost nothing was familiar! I was learning new things everyday – especially about myself. I was almost constantly overwhelmed – while also being entirely grateful that I was here – because I knew the Lord had called me here. I have been MORE than thankful for the knowledge of his direct calling to be here – it took away my doubts of “what have I gotten myself into?” For the first two months here I felt overwhelmed – but for the last two weeks I have started to shift into a season of feeling “normal” again.
• Hundreds of little amazing things have gone into this new phase of my journey here – where I am really feeling “at home.” The main thing is all of the conversations, emails, prayers, and LOVE that have been shared with those amazing friends of mine. Some of the things they have said to me and helped me realize about myself have been priceless. Two things that have really been revolutionary to me have been “fully feel what you feel” and “what you are doing is WORTH it.” I know those seem like insignificant statements – but they were what I NEEDED to hear! SO thankful for those words.
• I also started to really have some meaningful times with TG, one of the Americans living at K-homes. She and I spent our days off together in November and December – we would go into the city to run errands and eat lunch. For the majority of the first ten weeks, I really didn’t want to go into the city – I really just wanted to sleep and spend time by myself and have a chance to just “be.” If I was sleeping then I didn’t feel overwhelmed. But so thankfully I had to go with TG because she couldn’t go alone – and through her sweet care and conversation and questions, I slowly began to let a friendship build. It was my fault that it was so SLOW - because I wasn’t fully letting her in. But she kept trying, and was really speaking life into me when I needed it the most. She said some things to me that were so kind and personal – things I didn’t even know I was lacking. She also helped me have a breakthrough in the “funk” I was developing through something so simple – in essentially telling me that I was being self-centered and bossy. I appreciated her gentle honesty so much – and, at the same time, felt completely horrible because I knew it was true. Through her words, I realized that so many of my actions were saying “my ideas are better than yours.” Not what I wanted to be portraying! I’ve been diligently working on changing my attitude – and it has made a world of difference to me – and thankfully to TG, too! Her friendship has been such a blessing (and I've apologized for being so obnoxious!).
• I have learned – really deep in my heart and not just as practical knowledge – that I can’t expect the people around me to always show love or appreciation in the same way that I do – or in the way that I want them to. I have to remember that we are all different – which means that it makes sense that we would all show love in a different way. I can’t expect that people will immediately know how to reach me in the best way for me – or how I can best reach them. So just because I am not feeling appreciation from somebody does not mean they don’t appreciate me! It just means that we express thankfulness in different ways. I can’t even tell you how important this revelation is to me!     
• I appreciate my family so much more than I ever have! Not that I didn’t value them before coming here to South Asia, but I’m now fully grasping the idea that all of our differences are wonderful. We each are who we are – and at the same time, we are all a part of each other. I haven’t always felt “like-minded” with my family – SO often I have the exact OPPOSITE thoughts from all of them – which, until now, had always been something that bothered me. I felt somewhat misunderstood and not fully known. But I now have an understanding that it’s ok if I’m not always like-minded with my family – we are different and express emotion, love, happiness, fear, anger, etc, in each of our own ways. I am so thankful that each one of us is who we are!  

I am learning more about myself EVERY single day. It’s an amazing “refining” process. I am grateful to be diving into the depths of my heart and finding the places that need amending & fine-tuning! I’ve used this verse already in my blog (in August) and it is still speaking to the very essence of what I want to be about.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.” – Psalm 139:23-24

Oh Lord, let those words continue to be the cry of my heart!